I just lost it, and I can't believe it...
Sometimes I find it terribly impossible to be happy. I've found that I have a good day, surrounded by nothing, and then the slightest thing that happens can set me off.
My iPod has been broken for about 3 weeks now. I'm seriously dying. I had my entire life on there, and I can't have my music until after christmas. We can't afford a new one, and we can't afford to fix this one.
Screwed out of things, again.
I got on facebook and the first thing I saw was pictures of all of my friends. At a party. That I wasn't invited to. Then everyone started making pictures from the party their profile pictures. It will never go away. And I'll always remember why I hate the holidays. I'm stuck at home, and I never get invited to do anything.
I'm honestly considering not going to "The Crazies Christmas".
I think I'd rather die than go there. I feel like an outcast.
And my English teacher HAS NOT BEEN HELPING ANY with trying to make me comfortable. I want to skip his class all the time. I hate going there. I don't understand something, and I ask for help, but no, I get told, "I'll get you in a minute."
20 minutes later, class is over. I never got help. I still don't understand it. I asked you for help on the stupidest essay I've ever had to write, and I didn't get help from you until THE DAY AFTER IT WAS DUE.
I was out of a computer, and you wouldn't accept it the only way I could get it to you. How is that going to help me do well? NEWSFLASH: IT ISN'T.
And when you say, "let's have a moment of silence for this essay being turned in", it seriously hurt my feelings. All my friends that were in there with us turned against me in that moment, and I felt so utterly alone that I almost broke down then and there. I should have. Then maybe you'd understand. And all I want from you is to read that notebook I gave you, write me back, and make you finally understand. It's not happening anytime soon, is it? I didn't think so.
I'm sitting here crying now.
And I cried earlier.
I feel like my only friend is the one person I wish I could avoid.
I had plans today, and everything fell through. I sat at my mom's workfor hours, came home, got ready to leave, then ended up staying home because I had no where to go. I could've gone to a birthday party, but when you feel like your friends that you could've gotten a ride with betrayed you, you don't wanna go.
English class has seriously ruined my life and caused me to fall into my spiraling depression again. Thanks.
Whatever. I know you don't care, and I doubt you'll read this anyway. Why should I even try if no one is willing to meet me half way?
Am I my only real friend? Am I going to feel this alone for the rest of my life?
I don't know.
No one knows.
This is what I hate about destiny; you never know whats going to come. You just have to go out and pretend that everything that's happened doesn't bother you.
"How is that not bothering you?" they ask me.
My reply, "I dunno."
The real answer: It's bothering me more than you'll ever know, but I refuse to tell you. I'm strong. I'll hide it until it all comes out at once.
This stupid christmas tree has got too many people so happy and cheery. Where's the christmas magic for me? It doesn't exist.
I think christmas is more of a time for people to go out and buy expensive things for each other to make yourself feel more superior. You don't really have the funds to do so, but you do it anyway.
I refuse. I tell everyone they're getting something I make, or nothing at all. I won't even pretend that I can afford anything. I'm not made of money.
I wanna get off here before I lose it again. It's going to happen. My thoughts will get to me again. I haven't stopped thinking about Sam for the past week. He was in my dreams, too. I hid it. No one knows. Except for you, now. I can't handle it anymore. Yeah. Whatever. I'm going. Bye.
--Megan:\
