Animal

So if it's just tonight, the animal inside, let it live and die...
I'm sore. Little kids are crazy. The entire day yesterday, I was picking them up, swinging them around, helping them climb trees, dancing with them, and doing gymnastics with them.
But, I must say, it was fun. I had a great day.
I've been singing a lot lately, and I think it's a stress reliever. Which I need greatly.
I talked to Terrance today, just like everyday. He smelled nice.
Josh. Josh Josh Josh. I love him. He's a great awesome best friend.
He's also gay, which makes him just a bit better.
Me, him, and his cousin walked through the woods quite recently. The woods are my sanctuary.
I go there to think, sometimes.
I used to watch Harry Potter like it was a religion. Which is sad, because during those times, were the times I was most in touch with my faith. That's mostly gone now.
My sister is older. By about 5 years, to be exact.  love her, and I also despise her. She might have the stress of work and college, but she has a life. She even had one while she was in high school, something I probably will never have.
I'm not "popular" or a "jock" or even a choir nerd. Everything I do is for me, and others don't seem to understand that, so they push me away. Being constantly pushed away is hard, but as a person, you learn to deal with it.
I'll admit I didn't have the best childhood, but I didn't grow up in a family where drugs and alcohol were constantly present. I had it a different way. One that cannot be expressed here.
It put a lot of stress on my family, which in turn put the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I don't think they know how much stress they still throw on me.
For God's sake, its just a pair of sweatpants. Can't they just lie on the floor for another minute or two while I wrap this up? No. It has to be done as soon as I'm told, or else I get told again. Only this time, there's a nasty tone in the voice that's saying it.
I don't really care that your father had a drinking problem when you were younger, because you need to be the change. Don't use your past as an excuse to be a jerk. It doesn't work that way, trust me.

I got a pin yesterday, from my neighbor. The one that lives across the street in the brown house with the red truck. That one. It's a red pin, and it reads' "I am Loved."
I wanted to call BS on it. I'm not loved. Not in the way that pin is supposed to mean.
No, I'm tolerated. In my own house. I force myself away from people, because they take their anger from work out on me.
No, I don't wanna hear about how this guy screwed you over at work, and no, I don't want you to get an attitude with me because I'm speaking the truth. If you wanna tell someone, tell someone who actually cares, and doesn't just sit there with a tortured expression.

I saw Sam again today, and I almost bumped in to him. I actually didn't notice him until he was right there. I didn't say hi, or even make eye contact for a second. I closed my eyes, and then opened them and searched the room for anyone other than him. Yes, I wanted to talk to him. More than anything, actually, but I'm still not sure about how he feels about me. If I knew for a fact that he wouldn't get pissed if I looked at him for more than a second, maybe I'd say something. I dunno. It,s all very confusing.
And, I still don't understand what I'm supposed to be writing for english. None of it makes sense. I get that I have to write paragraphs about this main character guy, and what the plot is of the first chapter of this book, but I can't do it. I go to start writing, and I freeze. I try to write a word, but I don't know what to say.
I know what to say right now. ENGLISH CLASS IS HELL.
I hate going there. Not because I have a bad teacher or anything, he's actually really cool, but because I have no one to work with when we get with partners. I have no friends in there, and when I do, its because they want something from me. I isolate myself, because I don't want to get to know these people that have put me down for so many years of my life. No, it's not gonna happen. And of course, because I am the way that I am, we work with partners more often than not. I still hate working with them.
I don't really like most of my classes this year, because I have no one that I've been close to for a long amount of time in there with me. And I get scared, and I feel alone. And I know that every teenager at some point feels that way, but it doesn't mean anything when no one is willing to break out of that to help out someone else.

Right now, I would probably be telling you about what I can see from where I'm at, but I'm exactly where I was last night. I kicked myself out of my living room. My parents came home, and I don't feel like being scolded for random things that are so easily fixable if they took the time to look at it.
I feel as though I must go. To get some homework done, maybe. Or, to stare at my English assignment and wonder what the hell is going on. It will most likely be the latter of the two.
I bid thee farewell.
-Megan<3