Losing It

I just lost it, and I can't believe it...

Sometimes I find it terribly impossible to be happy. I've found that I have a good day, surrounded by nothing, and then the slightest thing that happens can set me off.
My iPod has been broken for about 3 weeks now. I'm seriously dying. I had my entire life on there, and I can't have my music until after christmas. We can't afford a new one, and we can't afford to fix this one.
Screwed out of things, again.
I got on facebook and the first thing I saw was pictures of all of my friends. At a party. That I wasn't invited to. Then everyone started making pictures from the party their profile pictures. It will never go away. And I'll always remember why I hate the holidays. I'm stuck at home, and I never get invited to do anything.
I'm honestly considering not going to "The Crazies Christmas".
I think I'd rather die than go there. I feel like an outcast.
And my English teacher HAS NOT BEEN HELPING ANY with trying to make me comfortable. I want to skip his class all the time. I hate going there. I don't understand something, and I ask for help, but no, I get told, "I'll get you in a minute."
20 minutes later, class is over. I never got help. I still don't understand it. I asked you for help on the stupidest essay I've ever had to write, and I didn't get help from you until THE DAY AFTER IT WAS DUE.
I was out of a computer, and you wouldn't accept it the only way I could get it to you. How is that going to help me do well? NEWSFLASH: IT ISN'T.
And when you say, "let's have a moment of silence for this essay being turned in", it seriously hurt my feelings. All my friends that were in there with us turned against me in that moment, and I felt so utterly alone that I almost broke down then and there. I should have. Then maybe you'd understand. And all I want from you is to read that notebook I gave you, write me back, and make you finally understand. It's not happening anytime soon, is it? I didn't think so.
I'm sitting here crying now.
And I cried earlier.
I feel like my only friend is the one person I wish I could avoid.
I had plans today, and everything fell through. I sat at my mom's workfor hours, came home, got ready to leave, then ended up staying home because I had no where to go. I could've gone to a birthday party, but when you feel like your friends that you could've gotten a ride with betrayed you, you don't wanna go.
English class has seriously ruined my life and caused me to fall into my spiraling depression again. Thanks.
Whatever. I know you don't care, and I doubt you'll read this anyway. Why should I even try if no one is willing to meet me half way?
Am I my only real friend? Am I going to feel this alone for the rest of my life?
I don't know.
No one knows.
This is what I hate about destiny; you never know whats going to come. You just have to go out and pretend that everything that's happened doesn't bother you.
"How is that not bothering you?" they ask me.
My reply, "I dunno."
The real answer: It's bothering me more than you'll ever know, but I refuse to tell you. I'm strong. I'll hide it until it all comes out at once.

This stupid christmas tree has got too many people so happy and cheery. Where's the christmas magic for me? It doesn't exist.
I think christmas is more of a time for people to go out and buy expensive things for each other to make yourself feel more superior. You don't really have the funds to do so, but you do it anyway.
I refuse. I tell everyone they're getting something I make, or nothing at all. I won't even pretend that I can afford anything. I'm not made of money.

I wanna get off here before I lose it again. It's going to happen. My thoughts will get to me again. I haven't stopped thinking about Sam for the past week. He was in my dreams, too. I hid it. No one knows. Except for you, now. I can't handle it anymore. Yeah. Whatever. I'm going. Bye.

--Megan:\

Lovesick

Dear, I wrote you a song, Despite the fact you did me wrong, and dear, I don't know what the hell is going on with you, But something ain't right, You tell me that you love me, then you go and leave me, why you do this to me baby, I'm love sick, I just can't eat, just can't sleep, can't do much of anything at all, Cause I'm sick and in love with you.

Relapse. I hate relapse. I thought I was doing really well... Then I had about a week to think about things, and I'm not over him. I've been able to write his name a thousand times without having anyone know. I've almost got it perfect. I can't pay attention, because I'm constantly thinking "Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam." I wish I could punch him, or talk to him, or anything. I really do miss him. I see him in the hallways sometimes, and I always think, "If this hadn't happened, I'd be giving him a hug right now. Maybe even a kiss." I know that what happened last year wasn't my fault, but I still think, "If I hadn't gone off on him, if I had been nicer, if I hadn't gotten so upset, maybe there'd still possibly be a chance of an 'us'."
I like fire. I was just playing lighters. That's why I said that. We get a new fridge tomorrow.

Let me tell you about the past week...
1) Tuesday, The fridge broke. Everything in the freezer pretty much went bad.
2) Thursday, Thanksgiving, I sit in a car for 6 hours and pretty much am carsick the entire way.
3) Friday, we go to the bank, and my parents are out 2 THOUSAND DOLLARS.
4) Saturday, my iPod refuses to turn on. I can barely live without music and internet constantly.

This week is bad. And today, I read over this one part of a book, and almost started crying in English. I held back tears the rest of the day...
Christmas break cannot come fast enough for me this year. I just need the break from school, and all the drama that comes with it, but on the other hand, I cannot deal with the emotional stress of being home for 2 weeks straight. I have no plans for this break. Nothing is going to be good about it.
I wish there was a way to be able to go to school without all the drama, or a way to stay home without all the emotional stress that comes with it. Either way, I'm screwed.
Yeah, I might want to go do something productive with my life...
Maybe more next time... Maybe less. I guess we'll never know until it happens.

-Megan[:

Three Cheers For Five Years

Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

Life is short. Don't take it for granted. My uncle is in a coma. They think he had a stroke. They also think he isn't gonna make it, and if he does he'll be a vegetable. Things aren't looking good for him. I'm at the hospital right now typing this on my iPod.

The walls in this waiting room are all white, and the lights are off because people are sleeping on the couches. I wonder how long they've been here and how much hurt they're hiding from having to be here. We're on the fourth floor of this stupid hospital, and it feels like it's swaying. I might get sick. But it's okay... We are at a hospital...

My sister and her boyfriend are all over each other. It's gross. I dunno. I must go. I need the battery power on here...
Updates later.
-Megan/:

Lullaby

Go to sleep and dream of me tonight, everything may not be perfect, but at least we tried, so tonight, sweet dreams, and sleep tight, I've been trying so hard, can't get you out of my mind, and if this is how it has to be, just promise you won't forget me, and I'll leave you with this lullaby, tonight.

I hate school. But I'm in a good mood. I found my old Barney movie, and I'm watching it right now. I love the little thingy. :D Bird ladies are awesome.
Mostly, I made this post to let you know about the song Lullaby by Chase Coy. It's amazing.
Llamas with hats is nice, too.
But, this is the end of this post. Maybe more later, when I'm not busy. [:
-Megan[:

Until You're Mine/ Scars

Until you're mine, I have to find a way to fill this hole inside, I can't survive, without you here by my side, Until you're mine, not gonna be even close to complete, I won't rest until you're mine...
I named this post 3 times. And I finally decided on this one. And now I think I wanna change it. I'm back and forth today...
If I could, for just one night, to be with you, to make it right, what we were, and what we are, is hidden in the scars, If I could, take you there, I won't let go, this I swear, you don't have to wonder what we are, cause you won't have to ever look too far within the scars, it's hidden in the scars...
Okay. Now we've hit 4. This is just getting out of hand and I really don't like any of it. I decided to isolate myself today. I'm in my room. It's really cold, and I hate cold. I don't do well with it. If someone asked me to go hang out with them, I would, but right now, sitting in my room alone seems like a good thing to do.
I just found out earlier that the rockstar I was talking about in my last post is actually older than my sister. And now I realize there is even less of a chance of us being together if he's older than my sister.
I can't feel my fingers, and yet, I type anyways. I still want to write a story. I still have no clue what to make it about. I think I'll start the art project I wanted to do awhile ago, seeing as how I just got the right amount of tape to be able to do it. Yeah, I think I'll do that, and keep myself busy for awhile.
Yeah. That sounds like a plan. Bye for now...
-Megan
(I still am not sure of what face to put...)

I Hope You Find It

I hope that you get this message that I'm leaving for you, cause I hate that you left without hearing the words that I needed you to, and I hope you find it, what you're looking for, and I hope its everything you dreamed your life could be and so much more, and I hope you're happy where ever you are, I wanted you to know that, and nothing's gonna change that, and I hope you find it...

I feel as though I haven't posted in about twenty years. Eff. That. But really, I didn't have anything to say.
I'm over Sam. And no guy really seems interesting to me except for rockstars and stuff like that.
I could never date a rockstar. But honestly, since I'm not boy crazy at the moment, there isn't much to talk about. I missed a day of school and have a ton of homework to make up, and that's pretty much it. Nothing else has happened.
I have to wake up at 5 tomorrow to babysit. That's something new.
Seriously. Without guys, my life is boring. And I have nothing to talk about. Which makes me think that I'm totally lame.
I AM LAME BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE.
I guess that's just how I am. :D
I really, really, really, really, really wanna write a story, but I don't know what about.
Should it be about love? Money? SEX?!
Nah. Sex would be weird and gross to write about. But really, I have nothing to write about and it bothers me.
My english teacher changed our seats again, and I don't sit at the end of a table, and I'm stuck between two people I don't like. That's just great.
My tummy keeps growling, and I think it's because I didn't have much for dinner.
Dinner was not good. Not that the food wasn't good or anything, I just didn't want food. I hate that feeling of being hungry but not wanting food, because, really, there is no reason not to want food when you're hungry. Am I crazy? Did we already know that? Have a touched a baby's hair? Yes. The answer to all of those questions is yes. I mean, who HASN'T touched a baby's hair? Weird people, that's who. And not even the good weird people. The weird weird people. They can get scary sometimes.
Romeo, Romeo, Where for art thou, Romeo?
I would like a Romeo and Juliet love story. Without the death.
My english teacher is becoming the bad kind of crazy to me, because almost all the stories he's had us read involves death, which is a very touchy subject for me. I almost cried in english today because I was tired, didn't feel good, and the story we were reading said death.
Dear English Teacher,
DEATH IS NOT A GOOD THING.
Can we please not talk about it anymore?
Thanks.

So, guess what?
Terrance. I like that kid. But not like that. We tried it before. It didn't work. But we're awesome friends. :D
Oh, and Hostess. I hate how she always is putting herself down. Just because you like someone you aren't supposed to doesn't mean that you're a bad person, it means that your heart knows that you shouldn't but you need to. I think that's what I'm trying to say. And all her APUSH homework is going to drive ME insane. She has no time outside of school to talk to anyone, because she is always doing schoolwork! I miss our late night talks, just the two of us.

I'm not saying I don't like being with Sunshine, Snuzzle, and Mustang, too, but it's becoming too much. I can't handle being with the same "group" of girls constantly. I need some time for just me and my friends, by ourselves. I need to find a new best friend I can hang out with, it seems like. If I want someone to talk to, just me and them, I have to find someone else, and I don't like that feeling. That feeling sucks, and I never want to feel that. I've lost so many friends since the end of the schoolyear, and I'm still recovering.

I used to hang with Sam all the time, that's gone.
I used to hang with Abby, that's gone.
I used to hang with Tasha, that's gone.
And then there's Kortney, Wynter, Christian, Jourdan, Allison, Erin, Samantha, Chelsea, Jayke, Cheyenne, Cheyanne, Christal, Christina, Becca, Tyler, Tyler, Tristan, Wyatt, Wyatt, Nate, Sarah, and more, but that's all pretty much gone. I feel like I've got no one anymore, and it's all annyoing, and it's making me feel bad for myself which is just as annoying. Can I "borrow" someone's young baby sometime? I feel like I need the love... O.O
There I go, crying over past times again. That isn't going to help me move on. At all.
I just realized it is around 10:30, I have to wake up at 5, and I've already been up since 6.
Tomorrow will be an adventure.
Mucho gracias,
Megann
(I couldn't decide on a face to put here...)

Never Say Never

You can never say never, while we don't know it, time and time again, younger now than we were before, don't let me go...

I hate days like this. It was just a bad day.
We had technical jarb that wasn't working in Video Production.
I just don't like math, because some people just use it as a time to complain to me.
Choir was choir, but that didn't help anything.
History was so stupid. Why give us a test when you haven't even told us anything about half the stuff on the freaking test.
Biology sucked because I couldn't complain to Josh about our annoying science teacher, or the freaky kid that always try to talk to me. -_-;
At lunch, we had so many people at our table I couldn't move.
English I just hate in general. Nothing about that class makes me smile. And we talk about death way too much.
And Latin. Latin was okay, but I'm so far behind on our translations, I know I won't be able to finish it.
Then I get home and find out my best friend went home early because she was crying so much, and I still don't know what happened.
My dad is pissed off because I don't wanna deal with him when he's in his moods. I don't get it.
And I saw Sam, and I know he saw me too, but he wouldn't look at me for more than a split second. It doesn't hurt as bad as it did, though, which is always good.
Touch a, touch a, touch a, touch me, I wanna be dirty, thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, creature of the night. ;]
That song makes me smile. And I need to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Quite desperately.
Yeah, I'm gonna go now.
Bye.
-Megan.

Waiting For The End

I know what it takes to move on, I know how it feels to lie, All I wanna do is trade this life for something new, Holding on to what I haven't got...

I. Love. This. Song.
Linkin Park never disappoints.
Last night, all I wanted to do was watch Barney. Weird, right?
I missed my childhood, so I started singing,
Imagine, Imagine, And you could have a wonderful suprise!
Because I remember Barney songs. I feel like a freak. But it's okay.
I can see a cupcake from where I am. It's on my wall. My friends boyfriend drew it for me last year, for my birthday. It's so cool! XD
Me and my best friend, Jordan, decided for my birthday, we are going to all the really good food places I know of. In other words, it'll be the best birthday. Ever.
Hostess has not made it to any of my birthday parties. Ever. D:
She was threatened that she had to come this year. :D
Today was a great day. Until English class. I still hate that class. I hate how we always have to work with partners. And I hate that I hate everyone in my class. But that doesn't mean I want to change. I will continue to hate them forever. :D
Heyhihello! <--- Great band! From Canton, Ohio! They're so awesome! Hahah. Well, since it was a good day, I don't have much to say...

I SAW SAM TODAY. He still ignores me. It's okay, though. I'm getting used to it. Pretty soon I think I'll be able to forget about him. It's quite a good day. :]
-Megan:D

Still Your Song

Can you hear me, would you sing along, or turn me down, forget I ever wrote this for you, So can you hear me, or has it been too long, You know that I was wrong, and this is still your song.
I miss Sam so much right now. I was looking through some pictures from last year, and I came across the picture of us. So many memories in that picture, so many things I wish were different from back then. <3
I'm watching The Little Vampire. I still find it funny and cute. I wish I could go flying around at night with a vampire. That would be awesome. It would be more awesome if the vampire was Sam and we fell in love. Of course it comes back to Sam.
I also would like to go to the moundsville prison for the ghost tours. But, I'd want to do it with Sam. I want him to realize how much I miss him and how badly I want him. I want him to know how different my life is without him.
I see yellow everywhere I look and I hate it. :[ I hate yellow!
Tight spaces are all around me. It's a comfort, and also, it's a burden. I dunno.

I find it kinda funny, I find it kind of sad, The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had, I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take, When people run in circles, It's a very, very mad world, Mad world...

I must go. I have nothing else to say for today.
-Megan<3

I Love You More Than You Will Ever Know

I made a wish on a lonesome star, star, oh, star, you shine so bright, won't you grant me one small wish tonight, that I won't die on this destructive path of mine...

If you haven't realized, my posts are named after songs I listen to. And, all except for my first post, the first words you read, are lyrics of the song stated.
Awesome, right? Right.
I've been watching A Nightmare On Elm Street. 1 through 4.
Wes Craven is one effed up man.
I love him.
1, 2, Freddy's coimg for you.
3, 4, Better lock your door.
5, 6, Grab your crucifix.
7, 8, Better stay up late.
9, 10, Never sleep again.
I had a dream with Freddy in it. To my disappointment, I woke up without any scratches or scars or anything. I don't think it's fair. Why does Nancy get his full wrath? It's just no fair.
JUST KIDDING. But, I thought it was cheap that nothing happened. I just woke up. Not cool!
I went to Baltimore over the summer.
I loved it there.
I think next time I go, I'll be with friends. Or, the part of my family that knows how to turn the volume up on a GPS so we can listen to the radio, or that'll let me stop at walmart on the way there to get some headphones so I don't have to listen to them.
Story!
I went to Baltimore with my aunt and uncle, and sister and grandma and cousin. They're all mega-christians. I listen to some screamo. They freaked out when I started to listen to it in the car. And there wasn't a walmart, and they wouldn't listen to the radio.
On night, while we were at dinner, we heard an ambulance go by. We wake up the next morning and turn on the news. I guess some woman shot this man at a hotel across the street from where we were eating, while we were ordering our food. CRAAAAAZY!
"Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy."
I bid thee farewell. :]
-Megan!:D

Don't Forget

Did you regret ever standing by my side, did you forget what we were feeling inside? Don't forget, please don't forget about us...
Nick! I almost forgot to tell you about Nick!
Nick is this guy. A guy that I like.
Nick is pretty cool. I've liked him for awhile. We used to text all the time, but now I just think about texting him, and then tell myself to forget about it.
If he wants to talk to me, he'll text me first.
If he wants to talk to me, he'll talk first.
It's quite simple.
He doesn't normally text me or even talk to me. But I still like him.
For Halloween, I'm going as Aphrodite. The Greek sex goddess.
That'll be an adventure.

I'm losing myself, trying to compete, with everyone else, instead of just bein' me.
Don't know where to turn, I've been, stuck in this routine, I need to change my ways, instead of always bein' weak.
I don't wanna be afraid, I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today, and know that I'm okay,
Cause everyone's perfect in unusual ways, you see, I just wanna believe in me.

I'm listening to that song. It's kinda sad, but its okay. :]
So I worry people, do I?
This is a new feeling. I've never thought I was one to worry over.
But, I think I like this feeling.
I don't know how I feel about my friends and my teacher talking about me, though.
THAT is worrysome. I do believe that's how it's spelled.
I think if we go anywhere else tonight, I'm going to wear a skirt. I feel like it's needed.
I don't know why, because we won't go anywhere that requires you to dress nicely.
It's fish night at Buehlers! I wanna go! Not for the fish, but because I like the grilled cheese. It's always perfect. As long as they don't put effin' pickles on the plate.
I hate pickles. I with a passion. Who in their right mind would eat something that sour and nasty ON PURPOSE?!
Not me. I can tell you tha, for a fact.
I don't wanna be filmed for Video Production class. I. Do. Not.
I don't like getting my picture taken. Why would I want someone to FILM me being my awkward self? I don't.
Dear English/Video Production Teacher,
If you are reading this, I want you to know that I don't wanna be filmed for this project. I'll give my partner my 6 year old neighbor to talk to and film instead. :]
Thanks,
Megan.
:D
Now, let's see if this works.
I doubt it will.
Don't tell me it will, because I know it won't.
Anyways, my favorite scent is lavender.
If anyone wants to put me in a good mood, just shove some lavender up my nose. I'll calm down almost instantly. :D
I feel as though I must go, so I can ask my mom about going places so I can wear my skirt! :D
Bai!
Megan!:D

Animal

So if it's just tonight, the animal inside, let it live and die...
I'm sore. Little kids are crazy. The entire day yesterday, I was picking them up, swinging them around, helping them climb trees, dancing with them, and doing gymnastics with them.
But, I must say, it was fun. I had a great day.
I've been singing a lot lately, and I think it's a stress reliever. Which I need greatly.
I talked to Terrance today, just like everyday. He smelled nice.
Josh. Josh Josh Josh. I love him. He's a great awesome best friend.
He's also gay, which makes him just a bit better.
Me, him, and his cousin walked through the woods quite recently. The woods are my sanctuary.
I go there to think, sometimes.
I used to watch Harry Potter like it was a religion. Which is sad, because during those times, were the times I was most in touch with my faith. That's mostly gone now.
My sister is older. By about 5 years, to be exact.  love her, and I also despise her. She might have the stress of work and college, but she has a life. She even had one while she was in high school, something I probably will never have.
I'm not "popular" or a "jock" or even a choir nerd. Everything I do is for me, and others don't seem to understand that, so they push me away. Being constantly pushed away is hard, but as a person, you learn to deal with it.
I'll admit I didn't have the best childhood, but I didn't grow up in a family where drugs and alcohol were constantly present. I had it a different way. One that cannot be expressed here.
It put a lot of stress on my family, which in turn put the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I don't think they know how much stress they still throw on me.
For God's sake, its just a pair of sweatpants. Can't they just lie on the floor for another minute or two while I wrap this up? No. It has to be done as soon as I'm told, or else I get told again. Only this time, there's a nasty tone in the voice that's saying it.
I don't really care that your father had a drinking problem when you were younger, because you need to be the change. Don't use your past as an excuse to be a jerk. It doesn't work that way, trust me.

I got a pin yesterday, from my neighbor. The one that lives across the street in the brown house with the red truck. That one. It's a red pin, and it reads' "I am Loved."
I wanted to call BS on it. I'm not loved. Not in the way that pin is supposed to mean.
No, I'm tolerated. In my own house. I force myself away from people, because they take their anger from work out on me.
No, I don't wanna hear about how this guy screwed you over at work, and no, I don't want you to get an attitude with me because I'm speaking the truth. If you wanna tell someone, tell someone who actually cares, and doesn't just sit there with a tortured expression.

I saw Sam again today, and I almost bumped in to him. I actually didn't notice him until he was right there. I didn't say hi, or even make eye contact for a second. I closed my eyes, and then opened them and searched the room for anyone other than him. Yes, I wanted to talk to him. More than anything, actually, but I'm still not sure about how he feels about me. If I knew for a fact that he wouldn't get pissed if I looked at him for more than a second, maybe I'd say something. I dunno. It,s all very confusing.
And, I still don't understand what I'm supposed to be writing for english. None of it makes sense. I get that I have to write paragraphs about this main character guy, and what the plot is of the first chapter of this book, but I can't do it. I go to start writing, and I freeze. I try to write a word, but I don't know what to say.
I know what to say right now. ENGLISH CLASS IS HELL.
I hate going there. Not because I have a bad teacher or anything, he's actually really cool, but because I have no one to work with when we get with partners. I have no friends in there, and when I do, its because they want something from me. I isolate myself, because I don't want to get to know these people that have put me down for so many years of my life. No, it's not gonna happen. And of course, because I am the way that I am, we work with partners more often than not. I still hate working with them.
I don't really like most of my classes this year, because I have no one that I've been close to for a long amount of time in there with me. And I get scared, and I feel alone. And I know that every teenager at some point feels that way, but it doesn't mean anything when no one is willing to break out of that to help out someone else.

Right now, I would probably be telling you about what I can see from where I'm at, but I'm exactly where I was last night. I kicked myself out of my living room. My parents came home, and I don't feel like being scolded for random things that are so easily fixable if they took the time to look at it.
I feel as though I must go. To get some homework done, maybe. Or, to stare at my English assignment and wonder what the hell is going on. It will most likely be the latter of the two.
I bid thee farewell.
-Megan<3

The Past

I've been smoking the green since I was merely sixteen, just to find an escape from this town that was so mean to me...

So, as you've probably guessed, this one will be about my past.
[It's one of those, "I need to blog three times" days...]

My past... It's one of those funny things, only, I guess it really isn't all that funny.
I was born in March, in the year 1995.
I grew up with my mom, dad, sister, and sometimes my half brother. But I won't get into the story about my brother.
We lived in a trailer park until I was 5, and then we moved into my grandparents old house after my grandpa died.
My room was  pink, and I had unicorns and rainbows around the room. A typical little girls room. After my brother left for good, we painted his room blue, and put a night theme in there. Moons, stars, clouds, it looked like an easy place to dream. [I was quite a tomboy during that time.]
After awhile, I moved back into the other room, but it was painted purple and grey. I didn't want to be in my room for some reason, so I had been staying on a blanket on the floor in the blue room. It was the junk room, and I considered myself junk. [It was a hard time for me, which all goes back to my brother, but I won't tell you what it is...]
I went into therapy, which helped a lot. I moved back into my room, and I've been happier.
But things happen.
My two good friends died in a car crash on August 6, 2009. Right before school started.
Everything I did in school was centered around that somehow.
Around that same time this year, I had to go to North Carolina for my great great uncle's funeral. It was really hard, but I managed.
Because of all the death and everything else that had happened, I feel stronger, but I also have more reasons to fall into depressions, which I sometimes do. I don't do anything when I'm in my depressions. No school work, I don't talk, I make myself stay inside, and I isolate myself from people.
Sam put me in a depression.
And I hate how everything turns into something about Sam. Sam is always on my mind, no matter what I'm talking about. Lucifer is, too, but not as intensely as Sam. Terrance has done a terrible job at bringing us back together, but I guess if it was meant to be, it'd happen, and I can't change it, no matter how hard I try.
I know that you're reading this, probably feeling bad for me because of the things I've had to go through, but I don't want you to. I can only wish that you'd take a moment to remember those you've lost, and those that others have lost.
R.I.P.





Sitting in my room, I can only see color. Purple walls, bright blue poster, black and grey television, wooden bookshelf, wooden dresser, and a pink fabric colored corkboard, with my red and blue paintings attached. So many memories a room has, and so many things that have yet to come within these four walls.
My four walls carry more secrets about me than I even know about myself. it gives me comfort, knowing only these walls know what happened. These walls know because I told them. The only other walls that know are the walls of the night themed room. The room where it all happened. Sometimes, I go in there and just remember exactly what happened there, where it happened, and how it changed my life. I would like to tell you what happened within those walls, but that is a story that shall never be told here. Never told here, nor anywhere else. No one needs to know, and yet, everyone needs to know.
I bid thee farewell.
-Megan<3

Two Is Better Than One

Maybe it's true, that I can't live without you, and maybe two is better than one...
Lucifer.
Lucifer, is my friend. I love Lucifer.
Lucifer had this girlfriend, Shelby.
Shelby had no idea.
Me and Lucifer made out in a grocery store, and everytime we hung out after that for a couple of months.
Now Lucifer has a new girlfriend. I don't know her name.
Me and Lucifer had something special, even though we couldn't share it with others. It was our little secret.
Lucifer had a friend. His name was Carlise. I used to talk to Carlise, but we've lost touch.
I don't wanna talk about guys anymore. I think I'll tell you about my friends.

To them, I am Jellyfish. Jellyfish. Jelly-fish.
There's Hostess. She loves DingDong/Mitchell. He'll never know. O:
And then there's Snuzzle. I love her. She's hyper. Very hyper. She likes espresso. She's not allowed to have it anymore.
And Sunshine. Oh, how I love my dear Sunshine. Always happy, and sunny. ALWAYS.
And last, but not least, Mustang. Mustang had a cat in her boot today. Not a real cat, but a fake smallish cat. It was cute.

I feel as though Hostess needs her own little blurb out here:
I love Hostess. Also, she is ROSS.
Or, Dealer Ross Von Helson Aquaman.
We've been through it all. Okay, so thats a lie, but she knows me better than anyone. Besties since 6th grade. <3
If it wasn't for her, I'd probably be lost in this world, all alone, without anyone.
I LOVE YOU, HOSTESS.

I have so much that I would like to tell you, but it makes me feel vulnerable.
I want to be in control.
I AM NOT WEAK.
And then it comes back to Sam.
I hate Sam! And yet, I can't help but love him more.
Oh, Sam, how I love thee. I wish I could call you mine. I wish I could tell everyone that your heart belongs to me, and that it'll stay that way forever. I wish I could do all of this, but the sad truth is that Sam hates me.
Sam, if you're reading this, I love you, and I honestly mean it.
I miss Sam. He's constantly on my mind. I write him letters all the time, but then I throw them away.
He doesn't want to see them. I write out song lyrics that make me think of him, and then I wanna give them to him, but I keep them to myself, for fear that he won't understand it like I do.
I really wish that everything didn't come back to Sam. I bet everyone is sick and tired of hearing about Sam, because I know I am.
I don't get how without him physically in my life, he's still there in my head. ALWAYS.

Anyways, I must go now, for I have yet to start the English Project that was due earlier today. And I have a short extension.
-Megan<3

Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop

I didn't know just what it was about this old coffee shop I loved so much...
Albert. Albert. Stupid, stupid Albert.
I hate him, and yet, I find myself being stupidly in love with him? Nothing makes sense anymore, and I don't like it.
Dear Albert,
STOP MAKING ME FALL OVER YOU.
I already have enough problems of my own...
Anyway, today was one of those days at school, where no one wanted to do anything, but teachers gave us a lot to do. Typical day, I guess. John's girlfriend broke up with him. It's  okay, because I didn't know her anyways. I don't like John, but I like the attention he gives me.
MEGAN IS AN ATTENTION WHORE.
Maybe I don't like Albert at all. Maybe I just like his attention.
Or, maybe, I do like Albert, but because I love attention, I can't figure out if it's real or not...
Terrance's friend Caleb likes me.
Caleb is weird. I've never met him, but I don't know about him.
He's a stoner? I think so.
Sam still is a stoner. I really miss Sam.
Enough about Sam. I need to get over him. Really. I really must.
Albert? No. I don't like Albert. Or, I don't want to like Albert.
I want to like Sam. I really want to like Sam. Sam takes up my life. I want Sam! But no, Sam hates me.

Yellow is my least favorite color.
It's too bright.
Purple is a nice color. Nice and dark.
There is a brown house across the street.
With a red truck, and a blue flag.
Next door, it's kinda pink. And it has a porch. A wooden porch.
The other way, the house is brown. It used to be yellow. I still hate yellow.
I have a white mailbox. It has flowers on it. Purple and pink flowers. It has a wooden post.
I like wood.
That sounded dirty.
Not that kind of wood. But real wood. You know, the kind from trees? That wood.
Yes, I'm going on about wood.
Yeahhhh....
Punch.Him.In.The.Face.
That's what I'd like to do to Sam. Sam has scars from me. Lots of them. from my nails. And my teeth. I bit him a lot. Maybe that's why he hates me? I dunno. But he'll have a part of me forever.
But yes. This blog is too long. More later, I suppose.
-Megan[:

More Than This

I'll never need more than this.
Blogging. In other words, it could be ranting. Because that is what I will do. I will not have a specific topic, because I never will, as you will soon come to know.
Pretty much, I always think about you, and how it would make me feel if you did something.
If I got a note from you, I'd hope it'd read, "Megan, I love you, and I miss you, and I can't believe that I let you go for that long. You are my entire world, and I could never see myself with anyone but you. I love you so much, and I could only hope you could forgive me. If you don't I won't  do anything drastic like cut myself or kill myself, I'll just learn to accepot it, and hopefully, maybe, get over you, but I hope I won't have to do that. Anyways, I hope you forgive me. Much Love, Sam." [If you don't know who Sam is, read previous post before continuing.]
Or, if we were to have a conversation, I'd hope it'd be something like this:
-Hey, Megan.
--Oh, hey, Sam. How are you?
-Pretty okay, but I miss you.
--You what?
-Oh, nothing...
--It was something, just tell me, Sam.
-Okay, Megan. I miss you. I miss you, and I love you, and I can't believe the way I treated you.

Or, I could be doing a video project on the skatepark you go to, and it would go something like this:
-What are you doing here?
--I'm not here to talk to you, or do anything concerning you. I'm here doing a project for school.
-Why'd you have to come here? You knew I'd be here.
--Sam, I really don't wanna start anything. Just leave me alone.
*I film for class, and stop to take some notes on whats going on*
-Megan?
--Yeah?
*then he just grabs me, and kisses me, and then tells me he never wants to let go of me*
-I never want to let go of you, Megan.
*I would stay quiet, but I'd be smiling, which would show that I never wanna let go of him, either*

The hopeless romantic in me would tell me to always hold on to Sam, and to never give up. But I know better than that. I miss Sam.

But also, I hate how I see myself. Everyone else sees me as the pretty, entergetic, always positive, always fun to be around person. I see myself as the ugly, lazy, always negative, never fun to be around person. I can't help it.
Ever since I realized what REALLY happened all those years ago, I've felt gross, and horrible, and unworthy. I've felt like everyone deserves someone better than me. I always try to make myself seem like the girl that would always be willing to do anything, and when it comes to that time, I chicken out. Not because I'm really afraid of it, but more because I don't want others to be dissappointed with how bad I am at whatever it is.
I want to go around and tell EVERYBODY every single tiny detail about my life. I want them to know why I sit in the corner as the mute of the class, or why I hide myself under huge jackets, or even why I tell my friends I'm not allowed to go somewhere, when really, I just don't wanna go because I keep putting myself down, and I don't want a resuce party.
Yellow. I think it's an ugly color. Too bright. Too happy.
Purple. I love it. Even when it's light, its still dark and mesterious, which is like me.
I like children. The younger the better. I like thatjust a simple change in expression can make them smile and laugh. I love how they can tell if you aren't feeling too hot, and they're there.
I hate how they can sense that you're feeling down, and are then in a bad mood themselves.
I love dogs. My dog in particular. He was always there for me. I had a bad day, I could go see him, and he'd be the first person that was happy to see me all day. I would go sit far enough away from him that he couldn't reach me and just cry, and he'd be constantly trying to get to me. He had surgery last summer. He was so helpless. I sat across the yard and cried. He never took his eyes off me. After his surgery, I got into it with my parents. I went in the yard, and he was running loose. I sat on the bench, and he came up the path, and just sat there, looking at me as I cried. Not once did he whine about just sitting there or get up and leave until I did. He just let me cry.
He had to be put down, because he was in great pain from skin cancer.
I've felt guily about that day since it happened. I had the choice of going with him in his final minutes, and I chose to stay home. His big, brown eyes went right through my soul, and there it has stayed.
My dad hasn't gotten rid if the doghouse yet. I think of it as a constant reminder that I wasn't there for him when he needed me, although he was always there for me.
I miss him. I miss him more than anything.
R.I.P. Blackie 3/10/10
12 days before my birthday. My worst birthday ever. But also the best.
This rant has gone on long enough.
Goodbye, and thanks for reading.
-Megan<3

Stay

The Heart Wants What It Can't Have.
Okay, well, I'm quite new to this, but I felt it was greatly needed.
This is where I will come to tell everyone about how much life sucks, how awesome it is, or however I'm feeling at the moment of posting.
Here is my first offical topic: BOYS.
Boys. You love them. You hate them. You call them names, frankly because you're afraid of them. Not in a literal sense, but you are always scared to know what they think of you, if they like you, or, maybe, you acctually are terrified of boys. It's nothing that they've done. Or, maybe it is.
Story time:
I have this friend. No. scratch that. I HAD this friend. We were best friends. To be honest, I liked him. A lot. He was one of those guys that no one really likes, but somehow, you find him to be the most amazing person ever. Anyways, we'll call him Sam, for the sake of not telling people his real name.
Anyways, Sam and I were best friends. He would always make me feel better when I was down, or make me laugh when I wanted to cry. All my friends hated him, and I think the reason was that they were jealous of what me and Sam had. Me and Sam got in a fight during Spring Break last school year. It blew over for the most part until the end of the year, and once summer hit, I couldn't help but think of all the things I wanted to do with Sam, and how much fun we'd have doing it together. I also couldn't help but think about how the summer might just be our time to fall in love. But we never talked anymore. No texts. No calls. No facebook chats. Nothing. I found out that Sam had started dating Alice [I really didn't like Alice for calling me and telling me to back off of Sam when it was obvious that she didn't want him...] So Sam is dating Alice. I knew I should've been happy for him, but I wasn't. I was selfish, and in my rage, we ended up not talking. Again. He deleted me from his friends list, and I couldn't help but cry. All summer, I cried when I could, which was quite often.
Once school started again, I thought I could talk to Sam, face to face, and work everything out like we used to. He HATES me. We have a mutual friend, Terrance. [Please keep in mind that I am not using real names, and also, I'm really bad at coming up with fake ones...] Terrance always tells me that Sam asks about me, in ways that aren't always the best, but he still asks. Today, Terrance told me that Sam wanted to know why I like him so much. He said it seemed like the more mad I got at him, the more I wanted him. All I could think of was Romeo and Juliet. [So english class does come in handy in everyday life....] Her only love was sprung from her only hate. Thats all I could think of.

Does the heart always want what it can't have?
Let's think about it:
-You want to be rich and famous. Why? Because you can't be.
-You want to live a happy life. Why? Because no matter what there will still be heartbreak.
-You want that new CD at the store. Why? Maybe because you like the music, but mostly because you don't have the money for luxuries like that.

I think that's the reason I like Sam so much. He really doesn't want me, so that makes me want him more. It's a terrible fate, but it has happened. I might miss him every once in awhile, I might want that CD, I might also want to be rich and famous, but that's not an option, and I've decided to make the most of it.

I realize this is a really long post, and if you have stuck around long enough to be reading this part, I thank you very dearly. It means the world to me.
xoxo,
Megan<3